Archive for the ‘changing self-defeating behaviors’ Category

It’s Time to Release What You Can’t Control

In a perfect world, when we experience hurt we would be able to get over it and move on. We would not feel resentment towards the person we perceive has disappointed us in some way. That’s right – when we get angry at someone else, it is because that person did not act in a way that we wanted or would have. We look at situations from our perspective, often forgetting that others have their own way.

In the workplace, we often get disappointed on a daily basis:

  • I didn’t get that project I knew I was perfect for
  • I didn’t get chosen to be on the superstar team as I’m a great fit
  • I didn’t get asked to lunch with the guys
  • I didn’t get that promotion
  • My boss seems to like ((*&% better
  • I am so disappointed in myself that I didn’t finish my work on time

The list can go on and on. These types of ‘hurts’ can call up our inner child, who may not like what it hears which then leads us to feeling anxious or angry. Depending on how we’ve learned to cope and adapt to stressful or unhappy situations is how we will respond. As our defenses kick in, we then pile this current hurt to ones from the past and soon may start to get angry and feel resentment towards those we feel have wronged us.

We know turn those hurts into:

  • (*^& took that project from me (now I will ignore them)
  • I didn’t want to be on that team anyway (now I’ll act icy to them)
  • Who wants to go out to lunch with a bunch of losers
  • My boss is such a jerk and doesn’t know what he’s missing out on (I think I’ll leave this job)
  • I don’t want to be a brown-noser like ((*&% (or maybe I will)
  • I should give it up – I’ll never make anything of myself (my father, teacher, etc. was right)

If these sound familiar – and they should as we ALL have these types of thoughts – then it’s time to release them and let them go. Holding on to them aren’t serving you, even though that inner child will cling to them with all their might. There comes a time in our lives when we have the realization that something must change and look inside to see why we don’t get asked to lunch or not getting recognized by the boss; perhaps it is how we present ourselves or we do not look open to others.

Past hurts can seal ourselves in a tomb of which we are the keepers and controllers of both ourselves and others. We don’t realize the level of control, and sometimes power, we wield over our emotions and behaviors, as well as those of others. When someone didn’t do something we wanted, and we get angry with them, it is because we wanted things our way, thus being in control.

One of the best ways to release past hurts and negative feelings is the Release Exercise (Doreen Virtue):

Take paper to write on; I recommend going outside to do this exercise as being in nature opens us up to receiving. Ask the question: “What am I holding on to that I need to release (let go of)? Then allow yourself to free-write, with no limits or judgements. When you’re done, look one last time at all the crap you’ve been holding on to and then burn the paper. It is very freeing as you watch those words burn. They no longer have any control over you or the way you think/behave. Now, your perspectives will change to be more open and positive, you will take more responsibility for your thoughts and actions, and you will no longer worry about what others are doing (which is freeing in itself). You may have to make some amends, however. But you will live more freely and authentically, which is when great things happen.

*Don’t forget – the push is on – two more days until the Challenge is over. You got this!


Don’t Believe Everything You See or Hear


I’m sure you’ve all heard this saying; we here in Florida did have rain over the weekend and my flowers are starting to bloom again. However, for parts of the country, particularly in the Northeast, their saying goes something like this:


Yes, those folks (my family included) are now dealing with snow that has blanketed the ground and brought very chilly temperatures. What gives? Wasn’t it back in February that we saw Punxatawney Phil not see his shadow, which meant an early Spring. People were cheering, especially after temperatures did rise. But, not all is at it seems.

I wonder how many people will believe Phil, or his handlers, after this. It reminds me of our weather in Florida and hurricanes – the weathermen preach doom and gloom and ‘take cover’ predictions but then we only get a little bit of rain; the next time, people are dismissive and unbelievers (I remember people being unprepared and laughing off predictions when we had 4 hurricanes – they learned).

Why is it that we seem to believe everything we see or hear, or reject, and then wonder why things turn out the way they do?  Why are some people so willing to take opinions from others while others reject everything they hear? We do have to look at history and patterns which do influence our thinking and, ultimately, decision-making for how we lead our lives. One person can be so trusting, willing to follow the crowd; often, they don’t trust themselves or decisions they make out of some fear, such as rejection, being wrong, getting laughed at, saying the wrong thing, etc. They can’t face a consequence, which is made up in their mind.

And then the other group has been hurt in some way  – disappointed or rejected – so they have their ‘armor’ on and are not willing to entertain any other thought or take a risk. They face the same fears as the first group but these individuals have ‘proof’ that whatever is out there won’t work so they never try.

Our brains have this funny way of protecting us, which is not always healthy; denial is a useful tool in certain situations and time, such as during a death or divorce. But it is not meant to stay and be the ‘go-to’ coping mechanism for how we lead our life. If the painful situation is not dealt with, then one of the self-sabotaging behaviors above will emerge, acting as the director for the actions you take which will lead to facing the very situation you’ve been avoiding and feeling unprepared. The emotional effects begin to take their toll and lead to life-long patterns.

Only when you start trusting yourself, develop healthier ways of dealing with past hurts and being open to what those experiences taught you (you have survived, right?) will you begin to lead the life you desire. Begin to challenge and question your thoughts – “is this true? (Byron Katie). Stop stressing about situations you cannot get back or control. I love this saying: “We can’t control situations that happen to us; but we can control how we think about them” (abridged, Brian Tracy). Start today with this new month and start living your best life!

If you’d like help in creating your best life, contact us today to get started:

Dealing with Disappointment

So I went to see the new Star Wars: The Force Awakens movie last; without giving anything away, I will just say one word – Phenomenal!  Having been around from the beginning, this movie had it all and sets the stage for the next arc in the trilogy.  Today, however, I am seeing a lot of people who are feeling disappointment in the movie; not enough this, not enough that, too much of … It made me reflect on the emotion of disappointment.

To be disappointed is to feel let down by someone or something. But it really goes back to us and our expectations of a person or a situation. We have in our mind of how we want something to go, or somebody to act; this typically is based on our own beliefs and values.  So, when things don’t turn out as planned, we feel let down in some way. The result can be anger, rage, sadness, or a host of other emotions.

I went into the movie with no expectations; it has been 38  years since the first one came out so for me, I relished every moment and didn’t want it to end. I’m baffled, frankly, when I hear some of the negative comments which leads me to believe that their expectations were not met in some way. We’ve all been disappointed in our lives; at times these are minor while others are major let-downs. Here are 3 quick was to deal with disappointment so you don’t go down a negative path:

  1. Recognize the disappointment – when something doesn’t turn out as you hoped, you might feel shut down, sad, anxious, or angry; these are typical emotions we all feel at one time or another so it’s important to be aware of the reason you might be feeling this way. You got made at someone or sad about their actions which elicits an emotion – you must recognize that you were let down by your own expectations which may have nothing to do with that person doing something to you. Rather than questioning why you feel upset, recognize you feel let down in some way
  2. Analyze the disappointment – once you recognize your emotion, it is important to replay it and see both sides of the situation: the person’s thoughts and actions, and possible intent (since we don’t know it for sure). Examine your own thoughts and actions, and perceptions, as well as how you expected or wanted the other person to think, act and behave. This will give you a bigger picture of the situation so you can take your hurt less personally
  3. Reframe and resolve the disappointment – armed with this bigger picture and view of the whole situation and players involved, I think  you will see that your hurt was your own; using empathy to see that the other person was acting in their own way will lead to letting any of the hurts go.  Being aware that the outcome was the result of someone or something not turning out as hoped gives way to dealing with them

We can sometime get so hyped up about a situation that we don’t often add in the possibility it will not turn out that way. The next time you get upset, do a fast check on where the emotion is coming from but where the disappointment comes from, whether from yourself or another. This will lead to looking at all sides and coming from an open framework; the result?  Que sera, sera (‘whatever will be, will be’).

If you’d like some help in moving past your disappointments and creating your future, call today for a Complementary Discovery Session to get started:

Why Seeing Leads To Believing (Day 30)

Are you aware that your visual sense is your most powerful? I’ve written before on using the visual field to create goals or actions you want to do. We’ve often heard the saying “Seeing is believing.” However, that is not necessarily true. Just because we see something does not mean we automatically accept it. Otherwise, there would be no conflict of any type.

I don’t think we automatically accept anything in our view path, especially when it comes to habits, goals, dreams; of course we can create the pictures in our minds and feel very excited about them but when it comes to fulfilling them, that is another story. When we do crate those images, if they are important to sue then we can start to believe we can achieve them. Seeing leads to believing.


On this final day of the 30-day blog challenge I’ve been participating in, I have see fellow bloggers – who have never done so before – reach this final goal. Although not all may have done so, they still had a vision for what they wanted to accomplish in this challenge; I have seen others get better at their writing as they’ve seen others who are writing daily, which has led them to believe they can, also. And they have.

That is the beauty of using visualization = it’s free, it’s easy but yet it’s powerful. When you repeatedly see yourself in action, the more excited you will be and the more adept you will be in the skill you create. For instance, for this challenge I sat every morning and set a daily practice/intention: I set the scene and ‘watched’ myself opening the computer, going to the administration page and opening a new blog page; in order to find come up with ideas for me, the best way is to look at problems, issues, or news that I hear as they relate to my focus of which I had to see them in my mind. I then would ‘see’ the words flowing while my fingers typed away until done.

This has gotten me through this challenge which the steps can work for you, too. Just because you’ve seen something doesn’t mean it is real or will happen but, the more you see, the clearer the goal and the easier it becomes. Kudos to my fellow bloggers for following through on this challenge. I have done these before and know it won’t be my last, and I hope it won’t be yours, either.

If you’d like help on following through on your goals, contact us for a Complementary Discovery Session to get started;


Believing You Can Gets You Everthing

“In order to succeed, we must first believe we can.” (Nickos Kazantakis)

Our thoughts and beliefs dictate the direction in our lives, which is why so much focus is placed on mindset, overcoming fears, undoing negative thoughts, and a host of other issues related to thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Change a thought you will act in whichever way that thought is going: think a positive thought, you will feel happier and can see more possibilities in your world; think a negative thought and you will only see darkness and bleakness around you.

Changing a thought is relatively easy – it’s changing a belief that is the impossible – or so it seems. When you have a belief that is causing you pain, isn’t it time to do something about it? As the saying above says, you need to have the belief that you can overcome a negative, move forward on a positive, or be the best version of you.

  1. write down what your vision of success looks like to you – what specific actions are you taking, what outcomes have you achieved, how much money are you making, what is the status of your relationships. Being specific as you can opens the door to their possibility, as well as many others
  2. visualize them – the visual field is our most powerful sense we have so use it to its fullest. Create a vision board or put a picture of what you want somewhere where you can see it; this gets into those deep parts of your brain which motivates the brain to take action
  3. affirm them – saying what you want, and repeating it, gets into the brain as well since what we hear is magnified in our own voices; repeating out loud, or writing, short statements such as “I am a success”  “I am happy” or “I own my world” will have you believing them soon

These steps, if done consistently, will change your negative beliefs and habits. You can let go of any bad experiences in your past and create newer and better ones. You can be the success you want to be. Start today and watch your life change.

If you’d like help changing your habits and creating your best life, contact us today for your Complementary Discovery Session:

Being Positive through Unplanned Events

Today started off well – I was excited to lead the coaches meeting I run; I was looking forward to the networking as well as hearing the speaker, whose topic was getting through the holidays conflict-free. Things went well, except for the ‘ping’ I heard in my car. I made it to the meeting, which went really well. But, an unplanned event happened, which could have ruined the day if I allowed it.


So on my way home, I was on the interstate when I noticed my temperature gauge on Hot; the car was driving fine but I knew I needed to pull over. That is the dilemma – do I pull off of the interstate, with whizzing car speeding by, or wait until I got off my exit. That is is the option I chose, but I was only able to pull part-way into a store parking lot. I was really trying to remain calm about what to do now.

Luckily, a man on a bike was right there and helped push my car out of the way so I didn’t get hit, and then proceeded to try to help. I was so appreciative, especially since he was waiting for a bus to take him home which is about 30 miles away. He told me he had come to visit his sick sister. I did give him money to pay for his bus fare and get something to eat and off he went. Luckily (I may say this several times), my nephew was not working so he and my brother-in-law came to help. I broke down luckily near an auto parts store where I bought parts we thought would take care of the problem but it turns out a belt broke. Luckily I have AAA, who towed my car to an auto repair not far from where I was.

As of now, I am car-less and may have to take a taxi to work in the morning but I’m very grateful as it could have been worse. The mechanic found that the water pump is going bad and the power steering pump is as well, which rubbed on the belt causing it to break. As bad as it sounds, the mechanic is very fair and the parts are not as expensive as they sound, luckily.

I’m sure many of you have similar stories of starting out the day well but then unplanned events happened. It is during these times that we can either look on the negative side of ‘why me?’ OR we can be thankful for the sun that is behind the clouds. Here are 3 steps you can take during these challenging times:

  1. Breathe – when I first noticed the gauge on Hot, I had to take some really big breaths so I didn’t get to the panic stage. Deep breathing helps to open the red blood cells and allow the cortisol, which is our natural stress chemical, to go throughout the body and do its job of calming both mind and body. It also helps you to think clearer as to how you will handle the situation. I took a lot of deep breathes on that ride home.
  2. Self-talk – in order to not let my emotions get the better of me, I had to tell myself that it would be ok and that I would make it home. I didn’t get that far but I made it to an area that was close and I was safe. Using positive self-talk vibrates throughout your body, which will create more positive emotions which you can then act on. I kept telling myself that the situation was going to work out fine, which it has (so far).
  3. Be grateful – there were so many positives from this – the fact I could make it as far as I did, the guy on the bike, my nephew being off, AAA membership, the fair mechanic, the money to pay for his services. I feel blessed that this happened when and how it did as I could still be stranded or at the mercy of an unfair tow truck. Gratitude takes the focus off of what we don’t have and allows to see all that we do.

The next time things don’t go as planned, remember to take deep breaths, talk yourself to a more positive mood and be thankful; if you can’t see any positives look for them. You’re still alive and breathing; you’ve made it through other tough times and you will again. If you need help being on the positive side, contact me at as I’d love to help.

Do You Need A challenge to Move Yourself Forward?

How often do you ever start a task only to find the momentum fading fast? Perhaps you want to lose weight and begin a form of exercise; or you want to quit a bad habit, like smoking or drinking; or perhaps you want to develop good habits, such as meditation. We’ve all been in this position where we say we want to do something but we either give up before it starts or soon after. Why is this?

Well, we can look at brain functions for some answers as this relates to our levels of dopamine, which is our natural chemical that is related to feeling happy or alive, both of which are needed in the setting and achievement of our goals. We can also look at external factors in our environment, which also plays a part in reaching our goals and setting ourselves up for success so we are motivated to perform the new behavior. Starting and developing new habits are not easy as we have to unlearn the old and focus on the new.

I find that a great way to begin and continue on a new goal journey is to be challenged to do so; our brains like to reach goals so they will work more in the direction if given enough attention. Currently, I am doing two challenges: I am doing 100 Days of Gratitude to keep my focus only on positives that surround me; we often tend to focus on the problems and what we don’t have so gratitude takes that focus off of any negatives to ‘show’ us how blessed we truly are as well as raise the dopamine levels so we are happier and more motivated to keep in those positive thoughts. The second challenge I just signed up for is a 30-Day Blog Challenge; I’ve done these on my own in the past but I like the idea of accountability as well as community and new networks of people to connect with.

For the gratitude challenge, I’m on Day 9 and finding I have more energy and optimism; my creativity and sometimes ‘brain fog’ have lifted so I’m excited to see how the impact will continue as I move forward in these next few months. I’m also excited for the blogging as I love to write and share tips and resources; this is a great way to promote your business, and I always recommend that individuals start one for their career as it leaves a social imprint, which employers want to see these days.

I encourage you to find a challenge you can get involved in, whether formally or for yourself. Set that end goal, give it a time-limit, and begin. The first step is the hardest so dip your toe in the water and take it. Your life will only improve in some way so what is there to lose? See you on the journey; if you need some help or accountability, contact me at

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