So last week I wrote how I had major car trouble but looked through the silver lining to see several positives that laid behind looking at expensive car repairs and having to rely on others to get around while the car was in the shop. Today, I am trying hard to find that lining again as they are telling me the car is essentially ‘crap’ – it needs a major repair that is going to cost thousands of dollars. My dilemma is: do I want to sink more money into a car, of which I have no car payments, or do I go buy another car and take on payments again?
The timing also could not be worse: here we are right before Thanksgiving, with family down and the Christmas holiday upon us. This feels like a setback to a setback. Dealing with a double-whammy of sorts elicits a host of feelings – worry, irritability, racing thoughts, etc. We typically place expectations on what we want something to be and when it does not turn out that way, we are filled with all of those feelings and emotions just mentioned.
We think, “If I want this…then it will happen.” This is why we feel so miserable when we suffer a setback in our plans. But, often these disappointments can be blessings in disguise and help us grow in our self-development. We can learn so much about ourselves – our character, our outlook and our strengths – which helps us to deal and move on. They help to strengthen and enhance our capability to handle future setbacks. Here are three ways to deal with setbacks (and setbacks) you may be facing:
1. Take time – when something negative occurs, we must take time to grieve and expel the emotions that arise, such as anger, anxiety or sadness. These are all natural emotions that, if not released, will adversely impact you along the way. Recognize that it can take some time to go through this journey.
2. Go inward – commit to looking inside to your feelings and assessing the situation for what it is; this is not about blame but about looking realistically at the situation for what occurred, why and what your part was in it. This releases you from victimhood, puts you in problem-solving mode, it gets you to accept responsibility and allows you to move on.
3. Refocus – now that you have released any old feelings, it is now time to refocus on what you do want in your life. Ask questions, such as “what do I need to know to deal and move on” and then journal what comes to you (without limitations); set new goals, along with some action steps, to go about achieving them and take one step to action.
Moving through these steps will help you to move and grow through any setback that may occur in your life. Recognizing how you deal and adapting is what enhances your coping skills and strengthens your character. I’m off to explore options, which includes car shopping to see what’s available and manageable, as well as checking other options on getting my car fixed. As uncomfortable as this is, pushing through leads to us coming out on the other side.
If you’d like help getting through your setbacks, call today for your Complementary Discover Session; let’s get you living your best life: http://www.cyscoaching.com
In the job search quest, we can become solely focused on finding open positions and resume and letter-writing. But an important step in the process is to rev up our ego, which can often take a bruising during this time. It is important to understand that in order for an employer to believe in you, you need to believe in yourself. There are several steps to help you boost your self-esteem and confidence:
- Write down your accomplishments- this will help you see clearly the things you have done in past jobs; look at it from an outsiders point of view
- Include all the traits and characteristics you have to offer – don’t be shy on this – brag, boast, toot your own horn (but be honest)
- List the ways that you have been able to overcome your fears and insecurities – this will help you see that you have the ability to move forward and to accomplish
- Recognize your competence – acknowledge your worth and value; positive self-talk and affirmations lead to feeling and acting competent
A job search can be exhausting and defeating, especially in tough times or after a job-loss. We can often think badly of ourselves and question our abilities and our value. But following the steps above will help you to realize your worth and give you the self-esteem and confidence to get out there and find the job you want and will ensure your continued success
Time and again I see people start to make their plans for their future – pursuing a new job or career path, or starting their own businesses. They are initially excited by the possibilities that lie in front of them and eagerly set out on their path, only to see road blocks and work ahead. Soon, they are feeling frustrated and defeated; some go on, only because they have to (job seekers) but some give up (career changers). Why does this happen?
These people live in “self-defeat”. They allow their fears and insecurities to overtake them. They base their future on past perceptions of failure, either from their own or from someone else’s. Often, these types of people don’t rely on, or trust, themselves and seek out the opinions of others who can’t grasp their head around lofty goals or change. They allow that “little voice” to creep in and take over, leaving them feeling so frustrated that they give up or give in. Eventually, they feel angry, anxious and depressed and go about doing what they did before. Or they take the first job that comes along.
This type of self-defeatist behavior can be attributed to a myriad of issues, but usually has to do with a lack of self-esteem and confidence, mixed in with fears. From an adult developmental perspective, we have different stages that we pass through from infancy to our adult years with each of these stages presenting challenges and learning opportunities on how we act and react. Our learning and behaviors become imprinted at an early age and we master them as we grow up. But there are also outside influences that impact us and, dependent upon our personality, we may hold onto that impact for a long time and will revert back to it as situations arise. Here is an example: if you can remember when you were a child and had your first spelling test; you studied hard and thought you did well, only to find you got a B or a C. You thought you did well. You bring home your test and are yelled at by one of your parents who thought you did not study hard enoug and could have done better. You now have a fear when you take the next test because you don’t want to be yelled at again. This is how we get imprinted.
It is possible to overcome and banish this self-defeat attitude but it takes conscious awareness and work. Changing self-behaviors is tough – it does not come automatically although there are people who have that ability. It will take some behavior modification, some motivation, mixed in with some positive psychology to set your goal and determination to face your fears and to think more positively. If you believe you can achieve your goals, you can. How do you overcome your fears and self-defeating behaviors?